Chapter 6: Positive Pants

 "I am no longer accepting the things I cannot change. I am changing the things I cannot accept" - Angela Davis

It's official, I have been replaced! Obviously not replaced, replaced (I like to think I am not the type of person who can be replaced easily), but my school have recruited my replacement. I found myself far too invested in this whole process; Will the new person have the ultimate strength to give it the shake up that's needed? Will they support, work and professionally develop with my wonderful work family? Will they build on my foundations? And ultimately, will they care enough about the kids? Will they be their champion, their advocate, their comfort and put them at the heart of the ongoing development of the school? Obviously, it's absolutely nothing to do with me! Of course, they can do what they want now. But it all stems back to why I took the job in the first place - because I care. 

I also completely underestimated just how emotional this milestone would actually be. There's a little bit of me that still fundamentally feels that I failed. I don't think I'll ever shake that. But I am strong enough now to know I gave it my absolute all. Any second I could have spent on that role, I did - and it nearly killed me! I honestly couldn't have done more. The fact that it will soon officially be someone else's responsibility is liberating! I feel humongous guilt for leaving my students and so, so sad to leave my work family (I can't stress how much this hurts). But it also feel like the light at the end of that tunnel is starting to shine through and do you know what? I never want to travel through that tunnel again! And I'm now realising that I don't ever have to.

I had the wonderful opportunity to visit my new workplace a few weeks ago. As it is a Ministry of Justice position, I have to undergo stringent security vetting before I can get a start date. However, I am in touch with my lovely new manager and am starting to feel that buzz again of starting a new challenge. I honestly can't wait - it will be good to actually use my brain again! I spent a good 2 and a half hours there and absorbed so much information it honestly took me a week to process it all. I have met my new team (all very lovely), seen my office and desk and had a good tour, meeting my all-important new clientele (including the population of cats that seem to be onsite - absolutely bringing one home...)!

The waiting for the go ahead has afforded me lots of time to ponder about the enormity of the life change that is about to ensue. Of course there are things that I am not looking forward to - the commute and the pay cut being the biggies! But now I can't go back to school, my mind has been turned to all the things I am looking forward to and the reason I am making this change in the first place.

Change is good! And after my visit, it was the little changes that seemed to have excited me the most and are going to have the biggest impact on my daily life. My new manager was very rigid in saying "you get paid for 37 hours, you are not expected to work more than 37 hours". In teaching, you get paid for 35 and it is just the general acceptance that you will work many more - evenings, weekends and holidays! My very best friend left teaching a few years ago and can't stress just how much she values her time off now as 'time off' and no longer spends her holidays fighting the next virus that has been pushed down and contained 'til the end of the week', followed by preparing for the next half term. Your time is your time! As a full-time working mum who has always been a full-time working mum, I can't wait. 

To be honest, my new role isn't that dissimilar from being a SENDCo, but the shift in knowing that already, my skills and experience are valued by the people I will be working with, has invigorated my mindset. During my visit, I had an influx of questions and requests for help. I's so nice to be held in positive esteem again, to be viewed as someone who can help and support. That is the reason I went into this area of work in the first place and ultimately, when I can no longer stay in education. As I've mentioned before, the face-to-face verbal attacks, shitty emails and public criticism are not ok and as I have documented, have mentally and physically chipped away to leave me as a shell of myself. I am a human being doing a job. Just because I was donating all of my time to individual students, the other 349 on my list deserved a bit of me too. If I could have made life perfect for them all, I would. But systematically, this is going to take time. Time that many weren't willing to wait. And I will forever support and think about those still fighting those battles. They need to be held in much higher regard then they are!

It's still difficult to see the positive change I have made, mainly as that feeling of 'failure' will never quite fully piss off. But having spoken to some valued friends and colleagues, and parents of my students this week, I know I have made a difference. No, it didn't finish the way that I would have ideally liked it to, but I will leave a positive legacy - and I am proud of myself!

I met with another friend a couple of weeks ago (yet another ex-teacher) and was discussing my worries about personal finances and her response was this, "When you have time, opportunity finds you". Already, it has! I have secured some tutoring to boost my income, I have a monthly paid job sound engineering for a good friend and, most importantly, I have time sing! Time to pursue my passion and try and grasp some of the opportunities that I have passed up in order to focus on on a career that broke me. I am so ready for this!