Chapter 4: The Fear!

 "The key to change is to let go of fear." - Roseanne Cash

This week, as the startling reality of my new life choices are becoming much more vivid, I have started to feel the fear!

I've never really been a 'fearful' person as such, yes occasionally anxious, highly-strung and consequently a bit 'bat-shit-cray-cray', but not fearful. I've quite impressed myself if I'm honest. Pushing from the depths of darkness to securing a pretty decent and exciting new role in a relatively short space of time did take courage. Alright, the courage may have stemmed from despair and what felt like the last resort, but was it still required every ounce of fortitude i could muster.

I am really looking forward to my new venture and still cannot quite believe that I am out - I am actually out! I keep thinking of all the positives that I'm about to experience for the first time in my working life - no working after work, flexible hours, going away in term time. There are a few compensations - the commute being one (my current commute takes 10 minutes with the only traffic being caused by a herd of local dairy cows), but doing something completely different has stirred an enthusiasm in me that I just can't wait to conquer. The people I'm going to meet, experiences to share and friends to make is such an opportunity to make myself a more well-rounded and competent individual.

Getting out of the world of education has seemed like an unachievable goal for so long. I've been dreaming about the potential of this period of my life; hearing stories about how it can be a notoriously a long slog. Fellow ex-teachers I have spoken to or followed talk about how it has taken them months, years even to find a role that paid enough to live on and valued transferable skills. Employers just don't want a teacher... I have been told this by recruiters - they see 'teacher' on a CV and they immediately throw it out. Teachers are not capable of anything other than teaching apparently (until they have to act as therapists, nurses, social care, dentists, chefs, arse-wipers - and anything else that the parental population now feels is not their responsibility). Once a teacher, always a teacher apparently. Add SENDCo onto that, and it felt like I'd fallen into a niche enclosure that I would never be released from. That feeling of being trapped being a main contributor to the dramatic decline in my mental health.

So why, when I got an email this week inviting me to an interview at a special school, did I start to question my decision?

The answer is fear! The fear of doing something so different. But mainly, the fear of being a different person. I've mentioned before about 'teacher' becoming your identity. This is not an understatement. A lovely ex-teacher friend told me how she mourned her career, moving fully through the grieving process. But the truth is, it's all I've ever known. I can't even begin to even pretend I know what it's like to have a 'normal' job. Schools, despite being highly unpredictable on a day-by-day basis, are surprisingly predictable in terms of demands on your time and personal expectations. I just don't know what it's going to be like, and that in itself is fear-inducing. What if they don't like me? What if I'm not very good at it? What if I cock up? What if we can't afford the pay cut after all? What, what if, what if? The fear of the unknown is real!

The prospect of simply moving to a different school is tempting - It really, really is. Simply because it's safe and predictable, and I know I'd excel! I know what I would need to do to hit the ground running and do it well. I also know that this particular role holds the potential to do more music and live my passion. It would be a sideways move, but it would be easy move. Surely this wouldn't be a bad thing? From fantasising about not being alive to reaching a much more stable state of self, wouldn't it be easier and better for my overall wellbeing to move into something that would ultimately lift me up? There's no doubt about it, it would be the easy option. To be honest, it's been temporarily enough to make me forget what has driven me to crash and leave in the first place. 

I rang my mum to talk it over, totally expecting her to say "go and teach, go to the interview". She didn't. What she actually said was "you've been a different person these past few months. You have time for yourself and it shows". She's right (don't tell her I said that!). I've come so far and I've worked so hard to get this opportunity. This was backed up by my sister who just said "don't even think about it - you're out!"

The fact is, nothing will have changed. The broken system isn't fixed. The issues ensuing haven't disappeared. There will still be the same fractions. There will still be the same battles. There will still be the complaining vitriol and slanderous accusations on social media. It will still consume my life and don't I deserve to live? My hero Frida Kahlo once said "Feet, what do I need you for when I have wings to fly?".  I will always be a teacher - I don't think it ever leaves you. My current school motto is 'Never Stop Flying'. Yes, the fear is real, but it is my time to fly, and I will keep flying. You never know, it might be the best thing I ever do.