Chapter 10: Don't look back in anger...

 "Slip inside the eye of your mind, don't you know you might find a better place to play"

Wow, you blink and all of a sudden it's four weeks since your last blog post! These past few weeks have marked many emotional landmarks actually, which have definitely afflicted my ability to delegate time to scribbling down my thoughts. 

We've had;

- The Oasis Reunion

- Twentieth anniversary of the London bombings.

- Twenty whole years as a couple with the man child.

- The final night at the Leadmill (this hurts more than I thought, even though I haven't been in two years!)

- The final performance of Black Sabbath!

- Five years since we lost my Dad.

- Six months since my breakdown.

- My last day as a school employee...

In just six months, everything is different! Even with the 'still' waiting to start my new job. Honestly, I am so grateful for the time that I've had to get here. In fact, the past few weeks have been designated to doing the things that make me, me. And I honestly can't believe what a completely different person I feel I am.  

I've actually been really busy; partly fuelled by boredom if we're brutally honest. but it's been good to have a purpose again. I had the joy of performing in a stage adaptation of one of my favourite childhood sitcoms, 'Allo Allo', where I got to be Edith. I've been singing (a lot of singing), ranging from opera, to show tunes, to choral, even so-headlining in my own gig with my buddy Shaun. The weather has been glorious! So I've done as much running, walking and generally being outside as I can. I've become a massive advocate for outdoor exercise.

All in all, I feel so much better. In fact, I am better! And so ready to start my next chapter with positivity and a steady head. One of the things that has really shocked me is the amount of people who have told me how well I look. Friends who have known me for years have commented on how I am standing differently and how even my performing ability has improved - "it's like a great weight has been lifted off you and you're free!". And that is honestly how I feel. I am free! It's exhilarating to wake up and not think about the children you worried about the night before, or the realisation you have a contentious meeting later that day, or even with a headache due to the anxiety surge you had the night before.

I have found myself again. Unfortunately, finding yourself and focussing on yourself ultimately comes with it's knock-on casualties along the way.

Mental illness is a truly selfish state to find yourself in. Whilst you're in the midst of it and during the recovery. You become so fixated on your state of mind and the negative tornado that spins inside your brain that seeing anything with kind clarity is an impossibility. Until that is, you hit the floor. And just like Dorothy when she lands in Oz you do all you can to get home. Those you love stand by you and chivvy you along (a debt that will never fully be repaid), but the mantra of 'do what you need to do' and 'focus on yourself' ring in stereo. And you have to, you really do. Because until you're back to who you know you are, you cannot get better. Whatever the barrier that is in the way, until it is knocked down fully, it will still be there. For those looking on - it hurts!

I've been on both sides now, and am now struggling to come to terms with the pain I have unintentionally inflicted upon others, especially as I have felt that pain myself. Watching someone I love try and recover from the complete internal desolation they are suffering is something that I still find myself compensating for ten years down the line - it altered the way I think on a daily basis and is honestly, one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. So knowing that the last six months (almost a year if we're totally honest) of my 'selfish state' have impacted on those I love is heartbreaking. And a reminder that we're not out of the woods yet - I may be 'better', but there is still some holistic recovery to do.

As I mentioned before, I have also had my last day a school. My last day as an employee of an educational establishment. My last day where I can call myself a teacher...

I've been working at home so as not to go in, but did go and celebrate the end of term, say goodbye to the students and my friends and colleagues. I'm glad I did. I planned to go in for the annual staff celebration event, but being the dick-head that I am, I got the day wrong and missed the bloody thing! Apparently my lovely friend and line manager gave a lovely speech, which I am so grateful for. As I've not been there for so long, it would be easy to sweep me under the carpet. My school has a mini music festival every year and  I did however make it to this. It was so lovely. I saw some of my students perform, gave lots of hugs, grabbed my last possessions (my pompom fairy lights) from my office and made a reflective departure. I actually can't believe it's over! It was lovely to see some parents too, who weren't horrid and wished me well on my way. The thing about teaching that people who've never worked in a school before realise, is just how close your working bonds have to be. Successful school teams respect, support and prop each other up, having their backs no matter what. Without the united front, pulling out all the stops, relying on the other people, the job would eat you up. I've left feeling loved and like my efforts weren't in vein, and that is how I am glad it has ended.

Unfortunately, I am now stuck in Limbo as I'm still awaiting my security vetting clearance. My new manager said his was 4 months and I am in week 14, so hopefully it won't be too much longer. I am desperate to start - even though I'm now on my summer holidays! I need my new start, for so many reasons. Being off work (and not getting paid after next week) is not something I've encountered since I was 16. I don't like the uncertainty and this is causing so many more issues than I wish it was. I have taken a pay cut, so our new budget is going to take some getting used to as it is, but the longer it takes, the more that tornado is returning and I can feel the stress wheedling it's way back in; and I know it's not just me who is feeling it. My state has definitely impacted that of others and others will continue to be a part of it until the new chapter begins. But at least I'm now in a position to not just have my interests in my mind.

So, things end. Many things end, but we can move on. And we have to. 

We still have some of those barriers to jump, but I can now say it as a 'we'. I'm not looking out for myself or doing it just for me. We have a future! It's different and terrifying and enormously daunting, but it's exciting. After everything I've/we've been through the past year, we deserve for it to work.

 Twenty years of a treasured career resulting in such an infliction of painful scars and a broken soul. Scars that will never fully heal. I still feel anxious going to the supermarket or if I have a stark flashbulb of a particularly negative experience, but they are fading. And I'm proud of them! They've reminded me how strong I can be when I need to be. And hopefully my next post will be the start of my new adventure.

Looking back, I could be angry, but I'm not.  I've always been a firm believer in 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger'. It didn't kill me. I have learnt to endure and survive, and this I will carry with me for the rest of my life. I think it was what I needed to really find myself again and am so glad that I have - how can I be angry at that?