Chapter 11: Living for the now...
"And suddenly you know its time to start something new and trust the magic of new beginnings" - Meister Eckhart
Im so ready for this next chapter, but also so grateful for the time to relax and refocus, mend my broken brain, boost my physical fitness, be a semi-decent mum and more importantly just revaluate what is important and how I want my world to be. Almost perfectly time, I have my holiday first a few days to prepare my brain, then its back to the working world! (Consequently, I am writing this in the South of France on my phone, so please excuse any typos!)
It has become enormously clear just how far I had deviated from the 'me' I aspire to be. I never intended on becoming a work slave who put the responsibility of the role before everything else. And I don't ever foresee myself going back to that.
I think the main challenger to that is the financial antagonist will forever rule and spoil life as a grown-up! Being a SENDCo came with a great responsibility and a pay check to reflect this. My new role is a pay cut, one that means we have had to seriously look at how we live our lives and if im honest, has been the serious kick up the arse I needed to get on top of my finances. I am shit at money! And have made some incredibly poor decisions that have continued to impact upon further decisions as a family (and this is more embarrassing to write about than being suicidal). For personal reasons that I won't go into, we've got some stuff to pay off that mean we are going to really have to prioritise and manage in a very different way to what we have been. My wonderful friend Jodie has been the best support with this. She has listened, not judged and even designed us a lovely little spreadsheet to make sure we can keep a track of things. I've secured some extra income through teaching singing and tutoring students (which I'm enjoying much more than i thought I would), including one of my old EHCP students - which was such a relief and a comfort that I wasn't the ogre that i have been painted to be and maybe, wasnt actually that bad! And I do feel that I've made some positive personal changes.
This morning, we have been to the market in the beautiful medieval town of Mirepoix. I could have (and probably would have) spent a fortune on crepes, nougat, wine, meats and probably most iconically - cheese! I love French cheese, and walking along smelling the local delicacies has pulled on all the glutonous strings that have tugged and won before. However, no cheese has been purchased! We settled for a crepe each for breakfast and a punnet of quite possibly the nicest strawberries ever eaten! Do I feel like I've missed out? No, I don't! And thats the point. In the grand scheme of life, what I buy is not important. Would financial freedom be nice? Of course it would! But it's not the epitome of being!
Physically, I am now so much healthier and aware of my body and what it needs. I'm getting old! And part of that is bits of tub that won't go, saggy bits, joints that get grumpy and organs that have been working hard for a while. Taking control of that and simply having the time to be aware of what I am doing to my body has massively impacted my ability to function appropriately. Which in turn, has had a huge impact on my mental health. As I mentioned before, being overweight and stressed has put a massive physical strain on my body and I'm still battling the repercussions of that. But I do feel physically so much better! Im not skinny (and am not actually that bothered anymore), but I am carrying less weight and am enjoying running and walking again and feel healthier.
In terms of relationships, these past few months have been amazing! Being able to 'mum' again has been wonderful. Being a teacher when my girls were small was perfect in terms of having the holidays to spend quality time with them. But I never got to do all the school runs or all the primary school paraphenalia that comes with them. This past 6 months, I have walked the little'un up to school everyday, been to two parent carer sessions and even been to my first sports day! My children are 10 and 14... I used to massively beat myself up about it and as ive also mentioned before, have never felt like a 'real' mum. But I'm glad I've done it. Did I enjoy it? Not everytime! Not gonna lie, she's a bit of an arse to get out of the house in the morning and we've had our fair share of arguments. But isnt that what mumming is all about?
Two weeks tomorrow however, I go back to the working world, and a whole new normal must begin! The weird thing is, I've been in school world for so long, that I have no idea what this is actually going to look like. My new manager was a teacher and has already told me it's a completely different mindset and way of working. I'm looking forward to actually having a lunch break, peeing when I want and turning my laptop off at the end of the day! Not working on a weekend has become part of a new normal that I never fully appreciated was so abnormal! In fact, working when I wasn't getting paid seems enormously idiotic now. Time is THE most important asset that we own. I can't believe how much of mine I've spent on things that generally are not worth it!
Amd that is the crux of it all. I know I'm a nicer person now. To the man child, to my girls and the rest of my family too. I'm making more time for friends and more importantly, not feeling guilty about not doing work in that time. Generally, I feel so much calmer and more patient than I did before. I'm less reactive and not biting peoples' head off when they point out when I do something wrong. I don't come home on a Friday with 'Zombie Paralysis' and need the whole of Saturday morning to recover. Time is precious, and the day to day grind no longer has to happen in such quick succession. I am now enjoying life at much more personable and freer pace. I might not be able to financially live the luxuries of life that we have become accustomed to, but it doesn't scare me anymore. And I honestly think it will be worth it!
Here's to the new normal!!!!🥂
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