Chapter 13: A sprinkling of light and shadow...

 September... the month that has forever signified the omnipresent gloom and Dementor-esque foreboding that comes with a new school year, peppered with the sheer joy of spending the days with some of your best friends again. I can't remember the last time that I woke up at the beginning of September without butterflies having a rave in my stomach, but apparently 2025 is the year where this has become my reality.

In short, I love my new job! All those worries I had had manifesting from the unknown seems ridiculously trivial now; I have lucked out! I don't really have a 'team' as such, but my office-buddies have been so kind, helpful, welcoming and fun, that I feel like I've known them for decades, and am so grateful for the support they've given me!

Prison life is such a pit of feeling and opinion, it's hard to know what you actually think of it - to be honest, I find it fascinating! Yes, the environment is a bit miserable and there are understandably issues that come with men facing 4-20 year sentences, but despite being a punitive establishment, there is generally an air of compassion throughout. The prisoners have been polite, welcoming and interested in what I do, and have been really helpful when I've got lost wandering on my own (it's a big prison!). People keep asking me if I'm scared - I'm honestly not. I feel safer there then I have done at some schools I have worked at. The only problem I've found really is understanding prison life! The different steps and phases and status' and regimes... And the acronyms... ALL the acronyms. I thought teachers were bad for speaking in code, but the staff at HMPS speak a whole new language! And I'm starting to understand. I feel like I'm learning so much every day at the moment, my brain might soon pop. In fact, I had the first migraine I'd had in ages last week and it wasn't even wine-induced! 

In all honesty, there are so many similarities to working in a school - recording info and data, routines, staffing structures and roles, prison systems similar jobs Bromcom and CPOMS - and it's been really helpful to make sense of it in my mind. In fact, in some ways it's been a comfort. I haven't felt as lost and exposed as I could have. I seem to have an element of that congenial familiarity that I've blogged about being afraid to lose previously, and I don't feel incompetent! Plus, I now have the joy of taking my lunch and peeing when I want to, flexitime, the wonderment that is 'half-day-Friday' - yes it's a thing! The mother called it POETS day when she worked in the Civil Service (Piss Off Early Tomorrow's Saturday). And best of all, I can spend my evenings and weekend doing ABSOLUTELY BUGGER ALL!!! And I have - my sofa and me have been happily re-acquainted. I have taken this a bit too literally and this week's aim is to get back up off my ass in an evening and go for bleedin' run!

In terms of my role, to be honest, it's not so different from my old job! I am referring to myself as 'Prison SENDCO'. I have a lot of work to do to get it up to scratch and to be honest, am facing similar challenges in terms of culture changes and attitudes. I've spent the last few weeks just observing, talking to staff and prisoners, getting to know my counterparts in other prisons (going for a few visits soon), and generally working out where my priorities are going to lie. It's getting clearer and I am now starting some direct work with some of the lads on my books. I've got lots of ideas, and the amount I want to get through is a bit daunting (Prison choir 'Inside Voices' incoming). I kind of feel like I did when I first took the role of a SENDCO - nervous, excited, professionally challenged and looking forward to leaving my mark (hopefully a better mark than last time!). This time it will be different though - there are no legal expectations, no LEA to put blame on me for every little thing and NO SHITTY PARENTS!!!!

Speaking of which, the new 'me' at school has introduced himself this week on school social media and in the newsletter. He seems a decent sort of chap in all honesty, and I really hope he can weather the storm. This has been shared on 'those Facebook forums' that have been the hive for the decline in my self-worth. One page of which has stated that they credit the other page for 'Shining a light on SEND failings'. Is that how they see me? As someone who 'failed' their children? If I did. I'm sorry! But it was always too big a job for me, and I did what I could within the constraints that I had. And to be honest, I don't see it as failure - I see it as growth! But it does make me wonder (OK, be completely paranoid and catastrophising-ly suspicious), if there wasn't a bigger picture to make me 'fail'. Was there a conspiracy to keep pushing until I cracked for them to get their own way? Probably not, but some of those shadows of the past 6 months seem to have found their way back in. People have even commented asking 'what happened to the previous SENDCO?'. It's been so hard not to respond with "She had a fucking break down cause you were all bastards", but I didn't. And I don't need to As Eleanor Roosevelt said "Noone can make you feel inferior without your consent", and I no longer give them permission to steal my happiness. 

I have seen a few of my wonderful school friends over the past few weeks, which has been lovely. I popped in last week as a parent to collect my own child as it was half-day Friday (yes, I'm going to keep banging on about it 'cause it's awesome!), and it was good to see some familiar faces and get some cuddles. It's been weird not going back to school with them all on the 1st, and I did find I kept thinking of them all sat in the hall listening to the back to work notices, celebrating GCSE and A Level successes, swapping stories of holidays and gathering together for lunch. A bit of FOMO even kicked in! But seeing some of them at wine club and for brunch dates, discussing changes to OFSTED and EHCPs, I'm ultimately glad I'm out.

I'm not mourning the career I had any more and am looking forward to shaping my own history with a new adventure. There will always be aspects I will miss (surprisingly enjoyed being summoned with a 'Hi Miss' at and event today), but I feel that that part of my life is done now. I'm proud of myself for what I achieved, I wasn't perfect, but there is the glitter of my legacy shining through to help build something far better. Things have changed for the better! Yes, I went back to work in August. Yes, I have to leave earlier than I did. Yes, the commute is a bit of a ball ache (although really not as bad as I'd built it up to be in my mind), but the pay off is that I drive to work smiling, come home and relax and most importantly, am present - I honestly cannot believe I didn't do it sooner.