Chaoter 14: Nicotine and toilet rolls...

"You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending" - C. S. Lewis 

It's been six weeks now since I started my new life - six weeks! It seems to have gone in a flash and yet, the shit-storm that has been tumultuous in my brain this year seems to be a far and distant memory now, and all the wreckage and debris swept away and repaired into something finally resembling familiarity. I honestly can't believe how much I feel like I'm out the other side. Those bad thoughts and tears have gone! And I have adjusted to my new life with the click of my fingers. 

The new job is still a refreshing change. A wonderful mix of new experiences and old knowledge, and I'm still loving it! As the days and weeks have progressed, I feel like my face is becoming better known and I'm starting to establish myself solidly in my role. It's not always been easy, but generally I feel in control, competent and happy! 

Since my last blog, I've spent much more time networking and cementing the foundations for the path forward. I've had the opportunity to visit some other prisons, talk to like-minded professionals and generally get myself out there! I've been up to meet my counterpart in Hull just today in fact. It's been so beneficial just chatting to someone from the same page as myself and to see different directions as to where the job can go. Not just for professional me, but for personal, positive wellbeing me too. The clarity that I do know my shit has been a massive boost for my self-esteem and confidence.

There has been a certain element of Deja-vu of late. I think back to old me of when I started as a SENDCo. I had all the ideas, desires and vision. What could have been achieved without the barriers, red tape and general shitty attitudes and fuck-wittery, breaks my heart. So many young people let down. So many overshadowed by the 'loud-shouters'. I currently feel like I'm sitting on the precipice of change yet again, just because of where the national journey of progress currently stands - I feel like I have to start the offer all over again! And do you know what? That's fine. I'm more than happy with that. In fact, it's swelled up an excited and ambitious passion inside of me that had been suppressed and beaten down for so long. The desire to be a force of good in the lives of people again has been reignited and is being kept alight rather than dampened down. I'm so excited for it! 

There is so much to do, and I've found myself leaning on my teacher skills much more than I thought I would. When you first start to consider leaving the profession, the phrase 'transferable skills' seems to echo around your psyche. Being a teacher for a prolonged period of time makes you feel trapped. Contained in an inescapable box of security that as you go further in, more nails are hammered in. And honestly, getting out is hard! Not because teachers don't have a wealth of skills that are transferable, but because being seen as anything but a teacher by employers is an absolute bollocks! I have been informed by people in recruitment that if the word 'teacher' is seen on a CV, they can be immediately binned. This seems nothing short of scandalous to me. The aspects of my professional self that I am reliant on are key teaching standards! It is going to take time to fully adapt, and I'm not sure I'll ever stop calling myself a 'teacher', but honestly don't think I'll ever work in a school again!

I found myself in the wonderful position of returning to my wonderful school as a parent last week. My nearly 11 year old finds herself in her final year of primary school, meaning we got to go for the Y6 open evening. Not gonna lie, I barely made it round the building due to the amount of hugs and catch ups. It was so lovely to see some familiar faces and find out how everyone is doing, and also see how those who care are genuinely happy for me and interested in my new life. It felt like coming home! I will always have the upmost respect for that school and the people that work there - and my heart bleeds for them and the unnecessary and contentious diatribe that still graces the airspace. It's not fair, and nothing can justify that. And still, it seems to be getting worse and worse!

The SEND world has been in the news a lot more recently, and I'm starting to wonder if it will ever be fixed. Children are still waiting. Parents are still fighting. Professionals are still breaking. Blame is being shifted from pillar to post! The barriers forced upon schools are still greatly unseen and the blame is still being very firmly pushed against their door. Education needs to be accessible, and until the system caters for all walks of life, kids are still going to struggle. They will still disengage, misbehave, suffer severe anxiety and mental health issues - they just are. 

Working with prisoners has really opened my eyes further! I do know my stuff, and seeing where unmet need and lack of provision can lead (i.e. prison), I have found clarity and justification that I was right! I have had guys come and talk to me and openly tell me how they reckon they've always had a neurodiverse need and 'nobody gave them a chance', 'they were the bad kid', 'I hated school because...'. Is it any wonder they've ended up where the only way to regulate themselves has been Nicotine and toilet roll? It's sad - so sad. Have they done bad things? Yeah, or they wouldn't be there. Does their neurodivergence provide them an excuse as to why they're in prison? definitely not!

Are there my new/old philosophy is cemented - 'It is a difficulty, not an excuse'. The stark proof that so many lives could have been different if they'd had better, more informed support is devastating. So many never stood a chance if we're honest (they're the ones I really feel for). But then there is always the counter argument - too much support and making excuses is just going to lead to unrealistic expectations and lack of accountability. If you fuck up and break the law, you need to go to prison - regardless of neurodiversity. I'm not sure if many of the current generation would be able to manage that if I'm honest. As I've mentioned before, being taught to feel and experience hardship is a vital component to life, and it really does worry me that so many are wrapped up and protected and not exposed to this. Needs need to be met, need to be supported and schools need to be accessible, but there needs to be a happy medium! My guys will be learning how to manage themselves and building their toolkit to make sure when they leave, I don't see them again!

What an opportunity I've got! I have learnt so many lessons about myself since this whole saga began and I'm honestly not sorry that any of it happened. I definitely feel that I am where I am meant to be for now! I love my job. I love my new colleagues and I love that I have got here by myself. I finally feel like I'm going to do some good in the world again - and this makes me smile!

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards" - Soren Kierkegaard